Indigo Juniper
A very special gallery.
On 22nd October 2022 our little girl Indigo was born. These are the photos we took in hospital.
Birth Story
She wasn’t in a rush, that’s for sure.
10 days prior to the birth of Indigo I started having contractions…very mild ones for sure, but different to Braxton Hicks (which I’d been feeling since 16 weeks when we climbed Bluff Knoll). They came and went, sometimes lasting for just a few hours, and sometimes overnight, teasing us! When we reached 40 weeks I was surprised, as all bets were on an earlier delivery. When we reached 40 + 3 I was VERY ready to try to encourage things along. I tried all of the ‘usual things’ - spicy food, curb walking, working out, stretching, visualisations, sex, bouncing on my fit ball and eventually I had some acupuncture and a massage…and within 24 hours things were finally progressing.
Labour started slowly for me, the contractions started at night and were about 30 mins apart so I was able to get some rest and relax in between. On Friday 21st October (40 + 6) in the early hours of the morning I started to lose my mucous plug and things started to amp up a little. By 9am my contractions were 7 - 10 mins apart and becoming uncomfortable - so I decided to put on the TENS machine we had hired. We went for a walk, we spent some time outside on our back deck, we made lunch, I bounced on my ball, the dogs rarely leaving our sides and Janik supporting me when needed. As the day progressed the contractions started to get stronger and closer together and I bunkered down and began to use some of the breathing techniques we had learnt through Hypnobirthing classes.
Our preference was to labour at home for as long as we could, and I was really happy being home in my own space. As the sun went down, we put on some music and I set myself up in our bedroom with the lights down low and we made ourselves as comfortable as we could. The surges were getting stronger and I was not able to talk through them as easily anymore. The TENS machine was so helpful at this point and we were still relaxed and going with the flow.
At 9pm my water broke at home. I was kneeling beside the bed on my European Pillow (thankfully not the wool rug haha!) resting my head on my hands and breathing through a contraction. It had been perhaps 12 hours of increasingly uncomfortable contractions, so it was actually exciting to know that things were moving along at this point! My water breaking was like in the movies…a big gush of water and it just kept coming.
This is the point where things changed for us. We knew already that Indigo was not in an ideal position - she was the right way up but she was posterior and despite all of the stretches, inversions and things I was doing to try and make space for her to move into a better position, she was pretty comfy where she was it seems. When my water broke there was meconium (poop) present, which can indicate foetal distress, and once that happens it’s a hospital requirement for continuous monitoring of mother and baby. To me, this was one of the more challenging moments, as I knew it would mean that I would be connected to a monitor, which would mean being restricted in movement, attached to various wires and likely not able to use/birth in the shower or bath as I had hoped.
We rang our midwife, she advised to jump in the shower at home and then to make our way to hospital where she would meet us so that I could be assessed. We were eventually admitted and taken to a birthing suite (which I will admit was not the nicest place). At this point I remember wishing we were still at home. When we arrived at the hospital is was approx 10pm, and after an examination it was determined I was only 3cm dilated.
I remember feeling a little disheartened by this, but also hopeful as we were still feeling strong and the pain was manageable using breathing and my TENS machine. I remember going into this tiny room for the assessment, and listening to some tense conversations between midwife and doctor even at this early stage. I was lucky to be with the MGP program at KEMH so I had my own midwife team. I also had a student midwife who had been with me since early on. I don’t remember why it was tense, maybe a question about whether to admit me, and where they were going to put me as the ward was busy.
The tension between doctors and midwives was a bit of a theme throughout our birth experience actually, more on that as you keep reading!
When we moved to the birthing suite, I was assessed again, hooked up to the monitor, poked and prodded with things and we started to settle in for the long haul. We had taken some little candles and fairy lights and I was trying my best to keep moving and not disrupt the heart rate monitor as I moved. At this point we had been going for a while and my contractions were getting stronger and quicker and I was pretty uncomfortable.
I remember the first assessment we had after several hours, and my dismay at being told we had only progressed to 4cm in that time. This is when the first doctor made her way into the room to discuss our options of speeding things along and the potential to introduce a drug to speed things along. We requested more time before any further intervention. This was not all that well received I’ll be honest, but we were firm.
The timeline is a little blurry for me, so I’m not 100% sure when everything happened, but all of a sudden there were hands on me, and my midwife was telling me to lay down on the bed. Indigo’s heart rate took a big dive and wasn’t recovering. They had to reach inside me to tickle her head to get her heart rate back up. People started to come in the room at this point, and it felt like the intensity changed. Given that there was meconium present, the position Indigo was in and that her rate drop it was clear that the doctors were becoming more uncomfortable. Another doctor came in and suggested that we would be best to speed things up and start the drip. We asked for more time, almost begged for more time, and we were told we could have another 2 hours before they would assess me again.
I remember my midwife going out of the room to use the bathroom and have a snack, and during that time a doctor literally snuck in and started to discuss our options with us again, firmly suggesting we should introduce the drip. I remember being terrified to make the wrong choice, but being desperate for more time to let my body do it’s thing. I also remember that when our midwife walked in and heard the doctor that she was furious and essentially told her to back off and that a plan was already in place, so to leave us alone. I was grateful for the advocacy. In total we had 4 different doctors come in our room to discuss our options within a very short time frame- which was pretty scary and invasive and repetetive.
And so, we were granted some more time. We continued to labour and at this point I think I had been having regular, painful contractions for about 20 hours. We were all exhausted. And at my next assessment…I was still only at 4cm. All that pain, all that moving, all that breathing and we still hadn’t moved more than 1 cm in 10 hours. At this point, a doctor came in again and suggested that we should introduce the drip, as we needed to speed things along to get her out. It had been over 10 hours since my water broke, and they were concerned that Indigo may not be doing so well in there. It was really tough for us, as her heart rate had been stable since the initial drop and despite the exhaustion, I was in it for the long haul, but also I was so scared and worried about making the wrong choice. We agreed to start the drip.
This is the point where I asked for an epidural. So far I hadn’t had any other pain relief (other than the TENS), they offered gas, but I know I don’t react well to that - so had avoided for as long as possible. I had said to Janik when we chatted about our preferences ‘if I ask you for an epidural, please gently remind me that I did want to try without one’ - however at this point I was scared, I had lost a fair bit of confidence and was just exhausted and didn’t think I could handle the speed at which things might progress with the drip without any pain relief.
The epidural was quick and easy, the anaesthetist was lovely and chatty and made me feel so at ease. I could not believe the relief I felt once that epidural started working. I could finally catch my breath after all of the interruptions and stress. It felt like the first moment of calm and control since we had arrived at the hospital. They turned the drip on and we just waited for it to work.
After about 10 minutes Indigo’s heart rate dropped, and this time it was a lot harder to get it back up. More people started to come into the room and the words ‘emergency c-section’ were mentioned for the first time. The drip had to be turned off, and we had to start having some serious conversations. The general consensus amongst everyone was that Indigo was not coping very well and that things were not progressing the way they needed to. We had two options.
To try again and turn on the drip knowing that if her heart rate dipped again that we would likely be rushed to theatre for an emergency c-section.
They also let us know that we would likely be in for at least another 12 hours of labour before we would be ready to push.To make the choice to have a non emergency c-section and avoid putting anymore stress on my body or on the baby.
I cried a lot at this point. I just wanted someone to tell us what the right choice was. Janik was right next to me, and we reminded each other of the one thing that we had said from the start…that we just wanted her entry into this world to be as calm as possible. Once we chatted about that, the answer was a lot clearer for us, heart-wrenching, but clear. We opted to have a c-section, and I don’t think I’ve ever been so sad or so scared about anything in my life.
From this point on, the experience was mostly positive for us. We had a little bit of time before we were going to be moved to theatre, I was still contracting and Indigos heart rate had recovered. We were still hoping that something might change and that I would start to progress faster and could even possibly avoid theatre…but I think by the time we got to theatre I was still only 6cm dilated. I think I cried right up until we got to the prep room, but I also felt that we had made the right decision too - such a weird feeling - like instant grief and gratitude at the same time.
We were wheeled into theatre and prepped. I remember how insanely bright it was in there. There were so many people in there too. It was a buzz of activity. I remember being grateful that we had made a decision to do this, as it allowed the experience in theatre to be much more relaxed than if we had, had to be rushed in there. It gave me peace knowing that we were choosing a calmer entrance for her over a likely emergency entry.
The anaesthetist was great, he was reassuring me and talking me through everything and I was very grateful for his presence right next to my head at all times. I was nauseous and dizzy and he was good at helping me manage all of that with breathing and medication. We had a speaker and I had my playlist and I remember it was one of the first things they set up for us. I remember it because when it came on it was SO LOUD right behind my head - I think we all jumped haha. At this point I was very very high - fact about me - I have never tried a drug in my life, so the feeling was completely new. I was trying to make jokes with the orderly, which would have likely made absolutely no sense and clearly was a coping mechanism for me…. I remember when they switched me from my bed to the theatre bed and pulled the sheet out from under me and telling him that I felt like I was the crockery on a dining table - you know the trick where you pull out the tablecloth but everything remains intact on the table - haha that poor orderly trying to understand my muddled up words.
I do remember one of the nurses coming up towards my head at one point, she may have even been the baby doctor..who knows…but she said she loved my playlist hahaha
I was weirdly proud in that moment. I had made it specially afterall.
Theatre was simple enough. I won’t go into the details of the surgery, as it was straightforward - though uncomfortable and pretty scary - but it was apparently uncomplicated and neat. The whole time we were in theatre Janik was right beside me, holding my hand, kissing my face, stroking my head. I remember him saying over and over that he loved me, that he was proud of me.
I had asked our student midwife to take my phone and get as many pictures as she could of her being pulled up and out, and Janik cutting the cord. I also really wanted a picture of my placenta so I could see it later. I am SO grateful we have these photos.
I felt really impatient to meet her, like time was going so slowly, and I just wanted to see her face. I just wanted to hear her voice and touch her and to know that she was healthy and safe. When they lifted her over the curtain all I saw was hair - so much hair! She was like a little doll. They had her all wrapped up when they placed her on me, but they unwrapped her a little so I could have skin to skin. Janik had cut her cord, she was healthy, she was safe and she was TINY!
Janik asked me right away…what is her name?! And I knew immediately that she was ‘Indigo Juniper’. We had a shortlist of names and had decided to wait until we met her to pick the perfect one - and it is perfect for her. Our quirky little bub.
I remember having almost no feeling in my right hand, and they placed her right against my face and was so desperate to look at her, so I kept trying to shuffle her up a little but my hand wouldn’t work. I asked Janik to hold my hand on her as I was scared of dropping her. I could feel my elbow and my arm…just not my hand. The feeling didn’t come back into my hand for quite a while haha. The photos we have of these first moments are so sweet. I am literally bawling my eyes out, I remember I just couldn’t stop crying and felt like I couldn’t control my face.
We were wheeled to recovery and we tried breastfeeding for the first time. She did amazing. Sadly, our breastfeeding journey has not been smooth (almost exclusively pumping to this very day in fact…brutal.) but in that moment it was wonderful. When we were in recovery we had a pretty scary moment. I was holding her, she started crying and then all of sudden she was silent and started to turn blue. The midwife quickly started rubbing her and thankfully she returned to her usual colour - but wow did my heart stop for those few seconds. Apparently babies just ’forget to breathe’ sometimes - horrifying.
We finally made it to our room and got ourselves set up. I was extremely nauseas from the morphine and spent the first 24 hours throwing up or trying no to throw up. I was exhausted, sick and so sore…but also felt very calm and just so overwhelmingly happy. I also couldn’t lay down flat, or walk or sit up properly, so it was extremely uncomfortable. They had to give me extra fluids due to the vomiting and I wasn’t able to drink or eat for some time. I think the first thing I ate was a bread roll at some weird hour of the morning. They let Janik stay a little later with us that first night, which I was grateful for.
The first 48 hours are a bit of a blur. Janik had set up my candles and music, and I had them on 24 hours a day. Playing relaxing music, sitting in the dark and feeding and nursing Indigo. As she was so small, I had to wake her every 3 hours to feed, and so I had my alarms set to call the nurse to bring her to me. I remember feeling so sad that I wasn’t able to get up to get her myself, and that I couldn’t dress her or change her nappy myself. I still feel sad about that sometimes.
I had this little portable fan, which I also had on 24 hours a day as I was just SO hot and the post birth sweating was insane - but I was too scared to use the big room fan incase Indigo got cold.
My recovery was painful. I tried to just deal with it using Panadol and nurofen - but absolutely that was not enough in those first couple of days. I felt like I had been snapped in half. Janik had to shower me, and I remember how painful that was and how incredibly vulnerable I felt. We ended up asking to be checked out on Monday so that we could get home - I was eager to be at home and in my own space. For some weird reason I couldn’t lay down, I had to be sitting upright at all times, it took over 7 days for me to be able to lay propped up on my side to sleep, and another week beyond that before I could lay down properly. I slept sitting up for almost 10 days post birth…and I wished I had the electric hospital bed at home haha.
Fast forward to now and we have a bouncing 8.5 month old baby. It’s absolutely crazy how quickly time is passing. I am so grateful to our midwives and to the surgery team - Indigo is healthy, I am healthy and despite our birth not going the way we had hoped, we still had a relatively positive experience, a good recovery and most importantly we have a beautiful healthy baby girl safely in our arms.
Throughout all of this, the real hero (apart from me haha) is Janik. He was with me, supporting me, backing me, loving me and doing everything he could through every moment. He was there for the hard moments, he held me when I cried when they told us Indigo was in distress, he supported my choices and decisions through every stage of pregnancy and birth and I am so grateful for the experience we had together. I remember how excited I was knowing he was on his way to hospital after our first night on our own. He is the most wonderful Dad, in every way. Seeing the way her loves our little girl brings me so much joy. They have their own special bond and I love that I get to witness it.
Music was such a theme througout pregnancy, labour, birth and post partum. I still listen to my baby playlist all the time. If you care to listen - i’ll pop it below.
The song that was playing when they placed Indigo on my chest was ‘Ocean Eyes’ - I know because I remember telling Janik that ‘Oh, I love this song’ when we were in surgery holding her for the first time.